Saturday, March 7, 2009

Response to the Man List

I've read the "Man List" a couple of times and it never ceases to piss me off. Tonight I decided to respond. I do not have any expectations that anyone will ever read it, but it still makes me feel good to have responded.

1) Men are not mind readers.
Who asked you to be? Just because you can’t follow an line of reasoning doesn’t mean anyone expects you to read minds.

2) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Learn to fucking sit down when you urinate. You’re not a fucking animal or at a urinal. Standing to pee is residual from when humans lived outside 90% of the time. A toilet was designed to SIT on idiot. Standing to urinate only causes a huge mess which most men don’t bother to clean up.

3) Sunday sports are like a full moon or the changing of the tides. Just let us be.
What? Sports are a force of nature? How could I have gotten so confused? Give me a break... for cryin' out loud.

4) Crying is blackmail.
No, it’s not. Crying is an physical response to an emotional upheaval. It's a fact of life, get over it.

5) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it.
True, subtlety often doesn’t work well in any instance. However, asking for what you want from man often doesn’t work either, so it doesn't really matter.

6) 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Many, not “almost every” question can be answered with a “Yes” or “No.” Okay, then answer this question yes or no: “Have you stopped beating your wife?” Or how about this one: “Would you like taco’s or a blow job?” Or wait, how about this one: “How is your mother?”

I do agree though that when you're talking to a man you should formulate questions that can be answered by single word response. It's easier for them to understand.

7) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Sure, what fucking moron woman would want to have a relationship with a man who would be compassionate and not feel the need to fix everything.

8) Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
Oh, yeah? Obviously you’re not versed in law.

9) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Whatever you do though, don't ask us for our opinion.
Okay, then don’t ask us how you performed sexually. Think about this: 90% of women fake orgasms, so 90% of the time we're just trying to make you feel good and get the fuck out of there. You do the math moron.

10) If we said something that can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
How about just apologizing dick-wad?

11) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Or I can hire someone and get it done the way I want it, instead of you telling me how I want it done or doing it so the problem isn’t solved. The only way to get a man to do anything correctly is pay him.

12) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Whenever possible, leave the remote alone and yes, if I’m watching it, I probably want to continue watching it.

13) Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
Christopher Columbus was lost and almost got murdered by his crew. However, when I’m in the vehicle, it’s my time too moron so Q.E.D. someone is asking for directions.

14) The man always drives when a couple is going somewhere. If we let you drive, people will think we lost our licence. It's a guy thing. Deal with it.
No one thinks he lost his license. Men think he’s a pussy and a woman thinks that he drives like a nut.

15) We are in shape - round is a shape.
And when you’re a round shape, don’t expect that I want to go searching for your “unit.

16) The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.
Yep. Fine, so don’t expect sex to be the same or the same frequency either.

17) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
As do dogs.

18) We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
You don’t remember dates, because you can’t be bothered because everything is about you and your dick.

19) Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of 30, would look good with your dress?
I don’t.

20) Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Who said shopping was a sport? You, that’s who. Here’s the deal, an argumentative statement must have a supporting statement. Since you have no supporting this statement there is no point to this argument.

21) Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Fine. However, it would be nice if you did not think of yourself and your penis most of the time. Sometimes… no most of the time, I’m not thinking about your dick.

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